Heart Monitor

This is a piece of writing from my book of travel diaries in 2015. It’s a very sentimental piece for me as this is where I truly felt a huge shift in my consciousness. I originally felt some shame arise when posting this as I felt I looked silly for thinking I was ‘there’. However, I realise now that in that exact moment, I was there. It was a HUGE aha moment. 

It’s really a beautiful marker to see where I started to open up and to see how I have opened over these past few years.

I see life just as it’s illustrated on those machines that track your heartbeat; the ups and downs are necessary to make a healthy heart, just like the ups and downs in life are necessary to make a person whole. Nobody wants to see the feared horizontal line on the heart monitor as everyone knows what that means, however I think a lot of people choose to lock their heart to a fixed linear position in an attempt to gloss over the harder moments life thrusts at them.

We’re taught to be strong and to avoid showing signs of vulnerability so we often choose not to address the hard moments in our lives and simply push past them without understanding why they occurred. By glazing over our emotions, we sugar- coat our brains and therefore lose our ability to feel the true value of a moment in life; we become lost in our lack of consciousness. By flatlining through life, people don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable, however by avoiding the feeling of true sadness, one can never feel true happiness.

I can relate to this lack of consciousness; I was unconscious all that time I was working as a restaurant manager. My childhood traumas taught me to send my harder moments into boxes that would be stored in the deep and dark areas of my brain until further notice and this incited in a pattern of repetition as my life progressed. Having this relationship with your emotions also poses other problems as you turn your inner switch off. Not that I was in charge of my switch, I never actively chose to not deal with those hard times, they just disappeared amongst a mirage of distractions.

I can still feel the shock exploding from my brain and seeping into all my blood vessels when I finally confronted a huge inner realisation about myself a few months ago. Since I started my travels, I began to hear the faint echoes of my inner self trying to surface. I started to deal with situations in hand as I no longer had a sea of distractions to choose from which gradually released my inner switch. With my inner switch now leaning on the ‘awake’ side…I had a flood of realisations, which escaped from all corners of my body.

Finally I understood what it felt like to be a prisoner of your own mind…and in those moments, I really felt lost. I felt powerless to myself and I knew I was the only one able to pull myself from it but I couldn’t grip on any resolve. 

After treading water for a few weeks, I finally found a flat surface to rest my big toes on, on tip toes. I’m actually sitting here with my eyes scrunched in an effort to try and recall the moment in which everything clicked…but it’s so hard to remember, let alone to articulate. In simple terms, all I did was admit my problems and accept them. I didn’t shame myself for being weak or vulnerable, I applauded myself for allowing myself to really feel these emotions. This was a turning point in my life I think…truly. I’m so glad I faced myself and because of that I now understand myself.

Shortly after this I went to Hawaii…and with that seed of growth planted, from that point up until this very moment that I write this I feel like a different person. Of course, I’m not actually different, I’ve always been this person but I finally know who I am and I like myself.

I always thought it sounded arrogant to admit that you like the person that you are but it’s probably one of the most liberating feelings you will ever feel. One of the greatest privileges in life is to become who you truly are and I finally know who I am.


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